


day 7: shadows

by awesomems



Series: Summer Pride Challenge 2019 [6]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm, but it's there nonetheless, it's not too intense bucky just digs his nails in, this one's sad, trust me it ends happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2019-06-10
Packaged: 2020-04-23 20:53:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19158787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awesomems/pseuds/awesomems
Summary: bucky's just a shadow of the man he used to be.





	day 7: shadows

**Author's Note:**

> imo i'm better at writing sad things so have this. 
> 
> tw for self-harm around the middle. it's less than a paragraph and it's not on purpose but could still be triggering so be careful.

“What’s so funny?” Bucky asked, smiling. Seeing Steve laugh always served as a good way to lift his spirits.

“Nothing, I just thought of...We were such stupid kids, Buck. Do you remember that time we rode our bikes all the way to the East River, but you got a flat, so we had to walk back?”

“I…” he thought about it, but it really wasn’t ringing any bells. “No, I―I don’t,” Bucky said. “Sorry.”

“No, no, no, it’s okay. It doesn’t matter, I just thought about it for some reason,” Steve reassured.

“I thought I had everything back, that I was better. But I’m still broken.”

“You’re not broken,” Steve tried to console him, but it was clear this wasn’t actually about the memory, but rather a result of long pent-up feelings. 

“I’m just a shadow of the person I used to be.”

“Even if you hadn’t become the Soldier, you would still forget certain things, you would still change, grow.”

“That doesn’t change anything. It still happened, and now…” He didn’t finish his sentence and walked away. Steve held his head in his hands, knowing that he said the wrong thing but not knowing what to do to fix it. 

 

Bucky’s mind was very scattered. He sat on the floor of his room, trying to keep himself from hyperventilating. He’d always pushed people away whenever they tried to help, and now he’s finally managed to do it to Steve, and there was almost definitely no coming back from it. 

But, as if he was cued by Bucky’s thoughts, Steve showed up and sat next to him. “Give me your hands,” he whispered. Bucky hadn’t even noticed he was digging his nails into the skin on his palm, crescent moons with droplets of blood rising to the surface. 

They sat in silence for who knows how long. “I’m sorry,” Bucky said.

“You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“You were only trying to help. You didn’t do anything wrong, I just didn’t talk about it for a really long time, and then I took it out on you when it all came out, which I shouldn’t have done,” Bucky said. “I can’t change what happened, so the least I could do is…be present, make memories now, as cheesy as that sounds. You’re always welcome to join me for that.”

“Of course I will.”

More silence.

“You’re not mad?”

“No. Sometimes…certain things bring about emotions that you wouldn’t expect.”

“Triggers.”

“Yeah. Like I…” Steve trailed off, shaking his head. Bucky hoped he’d talk about it someday, but didn’t want to push him. 

For now, they sat in each other’s arms, knowing full well that they could never go back to how things were before, since so many things had changed since then, and both had come back with significantly more trauma, yet there was comfort in knowing that things didn’t have to be the same to be fulfilling. For them to be whole. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are appreciated, let me know what you thought!


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